Living life fully with Bridget & Ben (while missing Cole).

{Signing Off}

2009-07-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to move on. This blog has been such a wonderous and special place for me to meet others and voice my sorrows, joys, and gratitude in going through Cole’s diagnosis and death from lymphoma. While this does not diminish the presence Cole still holds in my life, it is time for me to go on with the business of living. I have been touched by the community of others who gathered ’round in supporting this blog, which served as a diary and outlet during what was an incredibly difficult time for me. Giving voice to the process was cathartic.

If you are reading this blog because you’ve just been told your dog has lymphoma, my heart and prayers go out to you. And I encourage you to keep searching for your own online community to help you through this -- it helps so much!!

If you are trying to find guidance in making the decision whether or not to treat your dog with chemotherapy, I cannot give you a solid answer. I can only share that we made the decision not to do chemo, but rather to keep Cole as comfortable as possible while cherishing each and every moment we had left with her. There were so many personal factors that went into that decision. Through it all, I truly received the gift of practicing conscious presence with another being. I've often wondered why it was necessary that I face death in order to learn that lesson. And continue to learn that lesson over and over again today.

Would we make the same choice for Cole if faced with it now? I honestly don't know the answer. Others who have chosen chemo treatment have met with great success and prolonged their dog’s life. One such dog is Herbie from UK. Herbie, you are a Wonder Dog!! I will continue to follow your journey and drop you a note when I can. You go, Herbie!! {HUGS}

To see other lymphoma blogs, see my “Kidrend Spirits” links in the left column.

I wish you all well and leave you with a few favorite pictures of Cole and a passage from one of my favorite William Stafford poems, “Choosing A Dog”:

“It’s Love,” they say.

You touch the right one and a whole half o

f the universe wakes up,

a new half.

My sweet butterfly girl.

{Bridget has Cushing's Disease}

2009-06-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

I almost don't know what to say, I'm still in shock over the diagnosis. We had her in to the vet last September because she'd been losing weight for some unknown reason, and she had loose stools. At that time the vet found that her liver counts were high, which could have pointed to Cushing's Disease then but there wasn't an easy clear-cut way to figure out exactly what was going on. He suggested we change her food. We did that and she was great. The weight came back and her stool was solid again -- YEAH!!

Then we had her in for a teeth cleaning recently and they found that her liver count had almost trippled since Sept. Something more was going on. Our vet then ran a low dose dexamethasone suppression test. That came back positive but we still didn't know if it was coming from her pituitary or adrenal glands. So yesterday our little trooper went in for an ultrasound. It is pituitary dependent hyperadrenocorticism. In other words the Cushing's Disease is caused by a tumor in her pituitary gland. The tumor is inoperable.

Bridget will have to go on Lysodren for the rest of her life. We begin with an induction phase which kills off the outer layer of her adrenal glands, then have her tested again to make sure her adrenal glands won't overproduce cortisol again, then put her on a maintenance dose. We will also have to carry Prednisone tablets to help her through any stressful situations that she could face since her body will no longer be able to produce adrenaline for her.

Is your head spinning yet? Mine is and I'm fighting off feeling completely depressed and incompetent as her human mommy. I saw some of the signs before but chalked it up to her getting older (evidently, this is a common thing). And I absolutely hate the thought of putting something in her that causes the self-destruction of any of her glands.

Bridget seems kind of depressed today, too. I don't if it's the heat wave we're having here, or if I'm projecting my sadness onto her, or if she's just exhausted from the trip to a new strange vet (internal medicine specialist) for the ultrasound yesterday. I think I'm going to go lay on the floor and take a short nap with her before heading to work...

{Run Free Sweet Jenna!}

2009-06-01T19:40:00.001-07:00

Cheryl lost her precious Jenna in April. She'd been offline for a bit so I wasn't sure what had happened, yet I hoped for a good outcome. Jenna, I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling right now. Yet the ferociousness of that pain is a testament to the love you had for Jenna and the life you shared with her. My thoughts are with you. Fly free Jenna girl!

{Super Dog!}

2009-05-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

{Please send your thoughts to...}

2009-04-26T09:23:00.001-07:00

...Jenna and Cheryl.

Jenna has taken a turn for the worse this past week and it's been a tough week for her and her family. Please send any thoughts, prayers or wishes that you can her way.

{A year ago today...}

2009-04-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

One year ago today I lost my precious Cole. A day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about her, felt her presence, or seen her in another. Sweetie, you will always be my forever dog -- I am better for having had you in my life and the lessons you taught me. Fly free...pa-loop-a-loop!

{Update on Bridgie-bridge and Ben-jamin'}

2009-03-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

Both Bridget and Ben (our B2's) are doing really well and have settled into a routine with Bridget firmly established as the top dog. Here is Bridget relaxing after a good run outside. I love they way she conserves energy by napping whenever she can -- that way she's always on the ready for whatever is next. She and Ben both went to the vet on Saturday for their yearly exams and both are in great shape. She in particular for being 10 years old. Happy Belated Decade Birthday Bridget!!

And here is Ben, who is bigger than life and much too big for just a photograph. The movie was taken in our back yard as Ben played with his favorite outside toy -- branches we recently cut off the trees. As you can see, he has de-barked them and runs around as if they are a mere tooth pick. It's absolutely hilarious when he runs into a tree with the branch in his mouth -- he begins running around the tree because he can't just get through. Luckily no trees have been harmed in the making of this movie (or any other playtime)!! Go Ben go!

{Why We Love Cats and Dogs}

2009-02-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

PBS aired a new episode of "Nature" this past Sunday titled, "Why We Love Cats and Dogs." Within the show is an amazing story of a couple who sold their business and house to travel the United Stated with their dog, Jerry, after he was diagnosed with cancer. (Grab a few kleenex before you start reading!!)

Bridet and Ben are both doing well. I will post pics and a longer update later this week.

{Playing Ball in the Snow}

2008-12-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

We went out to play ball this morning. Bridget and Ben both look on seriously as they wait for Kevin to throw the ball. Notice the snowy snouts. They had a blast!

{Frolicking Dogs and a Warm Fire}

2008-12-19T10:22:00.000-08:00

We were socked in yesterday with five to eight inches throughout the Seattle area. Today brings sunshine with below freezing temps. This snow will be here for awhile. Driving on the hills around here can be treacherous so we are both taking it slow getting around.

Bridget and Ben absolutely love frolicking around the back yard. Both have emerged many times with a fully white snout. We spent part of yesterday afternoon keeping warm in front of the fireplace and watching the final two episodes of Wives and Daughters, my all time favorite BBC/Masterpiece Theater series.

I will have more photos of Ben and Bridget after the first of the year. I've been neglecting this blog as school was a bit consuming the second half of the quarter. Ben has been growing and looks more like an adult than a puppy. We've enrolled him in a second class to give him a chance to feel more at ease in a strange place with other dogs. He's adjusted quite well to our schedule. Now we just need to break him of his possessiveness with the tennis ball. It's hopeless if we don't trick him into giving it to us when playtime is done. Otherwise he refuses to give it up. Bridget has firmly established herself as the matriarch. Ben, for the most part, no longer tries to push her into playing with him. I've learned to put my birkenstocks in my closet at night so there haven't been any more destructive chewing episodes.

I hope everyone is well and has a warm and joyous holiday season. Take care!!

{Fellow Traveler}

2008-11-16T20:53:00.001-08:00

This is Jenna. She and her wonderful owner, Cheryl have been battling lymphoma since September of this year. I sadly (sad only because I wish we'd met over different circumstances) welcome her into our community of bloggers who have journeyed down the same path. To read more about Cheryl and Jenna, please visit their blog, Jenna's Tail. It turns out Jenna has a similar taste in shoes as our lovely Ben! She looks like such a sweetheart. Our best to Cheryl and Jenna!

{YES We Can!!!}

2008-11-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

{The First Six Weeks}

2008-10-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

Ben has settled into our home quite nicely. My suspicions about his age were confirmed at the vet visit. He's not two years old as we were told but actually only one. (I really wondered for two reasons: 1) his super white teeth, and 2) how mouthy he is -- something we've very nearly eliminated.) He has turned out to be much more of a Daddy's boy and wants to go with Kevin to work every morning. We're good friends as well but there is definitely a very special bond between them. The vet also confirmed Kevin's suspicion that he has a bit of Chow Chow in with the Lab.

While he has settled in beautiful in our home, there have been a few mishaps. Casualty #1: our sisal runner in the hallway. Ok, yes, it was a bit frayed and would need replacing at some point, Ben just sped that up while making a bed with it one day, scratching it until it was frayed beyond use. Casualty #2: the slipcover to one of Kevin's Stephen King's books (see below). Luckily, he didn't start in on the book. Instead he went after a book mark in another book (Casualty #3). We never did find the tassle that belonged on the end of the bookmark. I'm sure if we'd watched closely enough we'd have found it in the lawn a day or so later. And ... finally, casualty #4: my birkenstocks -- Ben's chew toy one morning as he waited for us to get up for the morning walk. He chewed straight through the leather upper. Did I mention that Labs are puppies until they're four!!

All of this aside we love him dearly. We started an obedience class with him this past week which I'm sure will help us to be better owners with him. Bridget will be getting the same instruction at home (not that she needs it since she's been shining up her halo!).

Speaking of Bridget, she has been doing well except we found out that she's has been losing weight for unexplained reasons over the past few months. Normally we have to watch so that she doesn't put it on. We are working with our vet to see what the issue is. We first switched her to a new food as he'd recommended. She loves the new kibble, we take her for a new weigh-in next week. Otherwise, she's fit as a fiddle. I'll keep you posted on how she does. We are both trying not to jump to any conclusions on this. Here she is cool as a cucumber, lounging in the family room.

{Introducing...}

2008-08-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

Ben...the newest addition to our family. We found this cuddly lump at PAWS on Friday afternoon. We put a hold on him and went home to think about it before deciding for sure. I had a bit of a cry, missing Cole and telling her that we weren't forgetting her or putting her aside, only hoping to give a loving home to another dog. I think she'd be happy with our choice.

He and Bridget are getting along quite well. She wasn't interested in getting into a photo with him this morning as she was too busy sucking her blanket (see below). She has had to correct him a time or two as to who is the top dog of the house. He's taking the correction quite well and seems content to be #2.

Here they are out on the deck Saturday morning.

Ben is two years old -- we think, he was found as a stray and never claimed (how does that happen?!). Now we have two medium dogs (he has a smaller build than Cole). He's done really well adjusting to our routine and learns very quickly. There are a few things that we need to work on with him. From what we can tell so far, he's going to be a wonderful playmate for Bridget and companion for us. We are happy to have him here.

{Performance Art}

2008-08-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

Here is Bridget on a typical Saturday night in our family room. She has the funniest ways of laying on her bed. This photo doesn't do it justice. I call her our performance artist because she strikes the most amazing poses. Usually she has her legs akimbo (any League of Gentlemen fans out there?) in every which way. She'll lay in one pose for awhile, and then change poses. I think she's also trying to get into the most opportune position for the occasional belly rub that comes her way.

Kevin had a talk with Bridget today while I was at work. It's time for her to get a new little sister or brother. We're ready and Bridget is beginning to act like she's bored with just us. We will be gone next week for a wedding, but when we return we'll be hitting the shelters to see who is available. We've also contacted a few rescue organizations.

{A Sad Anniversary}

2008-07-30T07:13:00.001-07:00

Saturday marked the sad, sad one year anniversary since Graham lost Prince. Graham is the brave soul whose blog inspired me to create this blog to honor Cole. Graham, our hearts go out to you as you remember the joy that Prince brought you, while at the same time missing him so very much.

{Choosing A Dog}

2008-07-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

I found the rest of the William Stafford poem about choosing a dog and wanted to share it with you.

Choosing A Dog by William Stafford

"It's Love," they say. You touch

the right one and a whole half of the universe

wakes up, a new half.

Some people never find

that half, or they neglect it or trade it

for money or success and it dies.

The faces of big dogs tell, over the years,

that size is a burden: you enjoy it for while

but then maintenance gets to you.

When I get old I think I'll keep, not a little

dog, bug a serious dog,

for the casual, drop-in criminal –

My kind of dog, unimpressed by

dress or manner, just knowing

what's really there by the smell.

Your good dogs, some things that they hear

they don't really want you to know –

it's too grim or ethereal.

And sometimes when they look in the fire

they see time going on and someone alone,

But they don't say anything.

{A Tribute to my Girlie Girl}

2008-07-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

Whew! After jumping quite a few technology hurdles, it's finally done. Well, actually I didn't make it over all the hurdles. The online piece doesn't have the smooth movement of the original -- it's more like a series of jerky stills. Sorry, both my computer and I are dinosaurs in terms of technology time. My computer is almost four years old. That's closer to 20 in human years at the least!

Hope you enjoy it, technology challenges aside! I cried a river making it, I still miss her so much!!

{Now you see it, now you don't!}

2008-07-06T09:02:00.001-07:00

For those who came out to this blog yesterday and found my homage movie to Cole, you may be wondering where did it go? Well, the first round movie came out really blurry and choppy. The second, third, fourth and fifth, etc. ... rounds came out better but parts of the movie started to drop off. User error I'm sure. So...until I figure out what the problem is I've decided to take it off the blog until I have a version that I'm happy with. Sorry for any confusion.

{Happy 4th of July!}

2008-07-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

Both Kevin and I have been thinking about Cole a lot today. With her, the 4th of July meant that every radio in the house was on and tuned to the same station so that we could block out as much of the fireworks sounds as possible. Otherwise, she'd shake like a leaf the entire day. Bridget not so much. I really detest loud fireworks now that I've seen how they can affect a dog.

Here she is after a round of photos sometime in the last few years. She's blurry because she is coming in for a smooch, telling me I'd taken enough pictures and that it was time to cuddle again (you can see her pink tongue just beginning to come out for a wet one!).

And here is Bridget, this morning, spending as much time out on the deck as she can (we leave the door open so that she can come and go as she wishes).

{Summer is Nearly Here}

2008-06-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

My quarter break is just breezing by and I've barely started on my list of things to do. Spring always seems so excruciatingly long in the Pacific Northwest. We may have a random sunny day here or there but the warm days of summer don't really start until July. As a result, I put off those Spring things that I want to do thinking there's so much time and the next thing I know its time to be outside as much as possible before Fall hits in September.

One of the first things on my list is to finish my homage to Cole. Here's a preview of what I've been scanning in -- it's Cole shortly after we got her in 1998.

{Dog Addiction}

2008-06-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

The dog we were planning to get didn't work out -- she decided while in foster care that she didn't want to live with other dogs for the time being. And we weren't prepared to fend off any attacks on Bridget. As a consequence, as hard as I've tried, I can't stop myself from going out to the shelter's web site to see what new dogs they have, even though I know that we aren't going to get a new dog until August at the earliest, based on our summer schedule. It just wouldn't be fair to the new one with the craziness that will be going on around here until then. But…it's a bit like trying to get my dog fix. I can't stop myself even though I know any dogs I find now won't be there in August.

I've also taken to visiting other dog blogs and vicariously living through them. Take LW, for example. This completely reminds me of Cole and some of her antics. I'd forgotten about all the patrolling we had to do with her when she was a pup for the first four years of her life (at least). There was the time my heart stopped when I found her on the kitchen floor chewing the handle on one of our Chicago Cutlery knives. Thank goodness she was chewing on the handle and hadn't bothered with the blade. She'd taken it down off the counter -- I didn't care about the knife, I was worried about her. And there was the time she broke a pen open on our carpet. This was of course after we'd sold the house but hadn't moved out yet. Kevin was just heading out of town so I frantically ran around trying to find a carpet cleaner (he's the carpet cleaning expert in the family). We apologetically pointed out the grey stain to the new owner.

A friend and I went to the ocean front condo to celebrate her 50th birthday this past weekend. It was the same condo that Kevin and I had taken the girls to back in February. Cole went along with in the bag we'd gotten from the crematorium. Early Saturday morning I went out to the beach and released her back to the earth. It was a very windy morning so I poured the ashes in order to be upwind as they flew away. For a split second the wind changed and I was doused from head to toe with ash. All I could do was laugh and try to brush it all off. The only place it wouldn't seem to come off was my suede clogs. Oh well, it reminds me of how Cole used to follow me around the house, always wanting to be in the action. I miss you sweetie, the hole in my heart is oh so slowly mending.

Bridget went to the kennel while we were away. I was a little worried about how she'd do. We adopted Bridget from the pound when she was 1-1/2 years old. She doesn't really like going to a kennel, I'm sure it reminds her of the pound. Having Cole with her always seemed to calm her down. We're taking her to a different kennel -- the dogs are not kept in cages, instead they have run of the 5 acre property. The owner said she did well but was nervous for the first three days. We are all still adjusting to things being a little different around here. Here she is napping after we'd gotten home.

So, for now, we are going to be just we three. I know that when the time is right, we will find that new dog who has been waiting for us to come along. And we will love that dog whole heartedly. And Bridget will have a new playmate.

{A Brave and Beautiful Girl}

2008-06-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Maggie lost her fight with lymphoma on Friday. My thoughts go out to Emily, her wonderful and loving owner. I can only image the sadness she is feeling right now. I met Emily, Maggie and Angel virtually through a community of bloggers who have supported one another as our dogs battle with lymphoma.

{Missing Cole}

2008-05-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a really tough one. I've been thinking about Cole a lot since last Thursday. I didn't mention in my last blog entry because...oh, I don't know why. I think that I'm still amazed by enormity of the sadness I feel over losing her. Just when things are getting better I find a moment that I miss her and it all comes back. I still haven't put away her Wiggly Giggly, which is sitting next to the back door, ready and waiting for her.

We went to an animal shelter on Saturday to take a look mainly because I'd seen a black lab on their web site on Friday that just pulled at my heart. She did look a little like Cole, which I guess any black lab would. I find myself going back and forth between wanting another dog and feeling like I'm moving on too quickly. The other dog wasn't there and we started to leave telling them them that it was too soon (we hadn't seen any other dogs that matched what we were looking for). At this point I am having to hold back my tears as I'm missing Cole even more. I asked about the dog from the website on the way out and they said, "No, she's here, she's in isolation because she's got kennel cough." They said we could take a look at her and spend some time outside in the play area if we wanted to. We both looked at each other, I was thinking that I'd been ok looking a the dogs in the cages, I wasn't sure I wanted to a step further and play with one. We decided to do it. She was such a pill, we both laughed and played with her for a bit. She did such a lab thing with one of her toys that she'd gotten her paw stuck in. First she'd but the toy in her mouth and then try to pull her paw out, which pulled the toy away from her mouth, so she'd go after it again with her mouth, then try to pull her paw out...she was entertaining herself. It was hilarious!

The shelter told us that she was going to a foster home for 10 days to two weeks until she's over the kennel cough and offered to let us put a hold on her. Kevin said, "Yes," I said "I'm not sure." They said we could put her on a temporary 24 hour hold and call them the next day with our final decision. After nearly a full day of going back and forth, we decided to tell them "Yes, we'll take her." We asked if she would be reserved for us or if they would be taking other applications for her. They said that she's ours until we call and tell them otherwise. I need more time to process this and feel relieved that we can back out if we need to and it won't affect the dog at all since she is in foster care either way. I need a little more time to be able to move on to another dog without feeling like I'm "cheating" on Cole. I know that I don't want to try to get another Cole. She was a unique girly-girl! What a garbled gook of emotions I'm having right now!

{Cool as a Cucumber!}

2008-05-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

We had an amazing weekend with temps up to 90 on Saturday. Sunday was cooler. A good part of both days was spent out in the yard. Bridget was a huge help. She pointed out a few spots she thought we should plant something new. And, of course, she had the hole all ready for the new plant! After years of telling her, "No Digging!" she still does it, although she does stop once we catch her in the act.

Here she is lounging on the deck while Kevin lays down the fertilizer. It's an organic mix (which really means little pellets of manure). Being the gourmet that Bridget it, she would like to lick the fertilizer up, thank you very much. It's supposed to rain today so she'll be back tearing around the back yard again tomorrow, after the rain melts the pellets into the soil.

{Whole Half of the Universe}

2008-05-14T13:30:00.001-07:00

You touch

the right one and a whole half of the universe

wakes up, a new half.

--William Stafford, "Choosing a Dog"

I go back and forth on whether or not to get another dog. I'm really enjoying getting to know Bridget on a whole new level now that she is "our" dog instead of just Kevin's dog. Cole was mine, Bridget was his, that's just the way it worked out. I was always happy that Kevin and Bridget formed a special bond when we got her since Cole and I were already joined at the hip. Cole was a rescue dog when we got her at 3 months old. And then we got Bridget 2+ years later when she was 1-1/2 years old. She was also a rescue dog. We took her because she was so ugly that we thought that no one would adopt her. And because she was such a sweetie!

Here she and Cole are taking a nap together not long after we brought Bridget home. She was so gangly and awkward. She has grown into a beautiful girl!

Today I saw a woman walking a black lab and my heart just hurt, wanting another girly-girl like Cole. Another part of me isn't so sure that I'm ready to go through it again. I think this means its just not time. I will have to wait for that whole new half of the universe to open up another time.

{Cole-lympic Flame!}

2008-05-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

We have such a wonderful vet! I was surprised to see that they had a bag of "goodies" for us when I picked up Cole's ashes. It really was a caring assembly of things to help us through losing her. It included her paw print clay tile (I think I mentioned this earlier) and a pet memorial candle. Turns out that every Monday night around the world, people light candles in memory of their animal companions. It happens from 7 to 8 pm our time. So tonight we burned our candle in honor of Cole and all that she meant to us. Here is a photo of her urn, collar and candle. (I haven't been able to disassemble the memorial altar yet.)

Kevin calls it our Cole-lympic flame!

We are all adjusting to being a family of three. This is the first time we've had so few pets in our house since we met 17 years ago -- Kevin and I, each with our two cats. Bridget seems to enjoy the individual attention. She's been spending more time with me in the office (I think it's because she knows that I can be talked into giving her a treat more easily than Kevin).

Today she "helped" me with the laundry... now if she could only do the grocery shopping!

{More Kindred Spirits}

2008-04-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

There have been so many people who have helped me through this process of honoring the end of Cole's life and mourning her loss. As far as the tough moments in life go, losing Cole ranks right up there. I'd like to highlight those Kindred Spirits who have traveled, or are currently traveling, the path of living with lymphoma, and who have helped me on this journey with Cole.

First, and foremost, the blog that started it all: Graham, who shared his journey and abundant love for Prince in the last months of his life; and his incredible resilience in opening his heart wide open for a new found friend, Tilly, after Prince's passing.

Graham's blog introduced me to a new community of others who have been affected by lymphoma and whose comments and posts have been a tremendous gift along this path:

Fiona, Yogi and Larry

Herbie and Hollie's "in loco parentis"

Linda, Watson and Waldo

There are also many other dog lovers who have posted comments to this blog to whom I am very grateful. Graham's Mum, Lesley, has been especially kind and thoughtful in her comments and words of wisdom.

Through this process I also found a website set up by Donna and Karen (irisnroo.com) created to honor the people and the dogs they love. Their website is amazing and heartfelt. They have also honored Cole and I by putting her story in their Dog Tales section as well as putting her photo in their Gallery. Thank you Donna and Karen!!

This is Cole and me snuggling in for her morning nap during our weekend away at the ocean back in March. I am slowly working on putting together a video of Cole's life and will post it when finished.

{Cole's got credit!}

2008-04-22T08:52:00.001-07:00

I took Bridget to the vet last night for her annual exam and vaccinations. Good news she is in good health for a nine year old! Many have been asking how she's doing with Cole gone. She is doing quite well. The first few days she ran around the house looking for Cole when we came in from outside but now she seems settled into life as an only-dog. Kevin and I have both been working on keeping a routine with her so that she gets a sense of normalcy. She likes an occasional cuddle but isn't a big love sponge like Cole was, she's pretty independent. We'd often thought that she would be the kind of dog that would do best in household with one dog. We're finding that to be the case. Please don't get me wrong, I love her entirely, she's just a different dog than Cole. I feel like we understand what it must be like to parent children with very different temperaments. Soon she will dominate this blog as I chronicle our life with just her and memories of Cole.

But for now I'm still processing losing Cole...

(Deep breath) While I was at the vet I also picked up Cole's ashes. They put together a very nice bag including the urn and a few other items to help us through the mourning process. At the top was a terra cotta heart with Cole's paw print that they'd made for us. That was it, I couldn't bring myself to go any further until Kevin gets back into town, which is today. Instead I was finally able to start sketching a clay urn I am planning to make for some of her ashes that we are going to keep. The rest we are going to sprinkle in various places she loved. I just can't bring myself to give all of her up.

On a lighter, and slightly odd note, a credit card application arrived in the mail for Cole last week from Petsmart (dog food retailer). What is even more strange is that we got Cole at Petsmart when the local Animal Humane Society was there with dogs for adoption. Kevin and I both wondered if this was Cole's way of getting a message to us.

Truth be told I think I may have put her name down on one of those frequent buyer programs but still the timing is serendipitous!

Here is an older image of Cole. Honestly, I'm not one to dress up my dog in human outfits, but this butterfly cape was too hard to resist. It was a trade with another vendor at a craft show where I was selling my soap.

There isn't a day that passes without me crying about Cole. It feels like I'm settling into a new routine more so than getting over losing her.

{An Empty Week}

2008-04-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

This past week has been incredibly tough. I've been out here almost every day, thinking that I'd post at the very least a "Thank you!" to everyone who's called, sent email or posted a comment. Each time I just couldn't do it, I'd end up doing what I'm doing right now, crying and missing Cole more than ever. The first few days I just wanted her back, wanted her back, wanted her back. I still do. I find comfort in knowing that she is free of the lymphoma that attacked her body but never her spirit.

I miss the way she'd put her head on the bed next to me with a good morning snuggle, or how she'd be waiting outside our bathroom when I came out from my morning shower, or how she'd come sit and just lean into me (we always thought we should have named her Lena!). My days feel half full without her romping around the house at my side. I know that she's still here with me and often feel her presence in a different way. She's also making all kinds of new friend where she is right now. And I know that she looks back occasionally to see that I'm still here the way she used to do at the dog park.

A dear friend gave me a grief and loss altar and ritual box a few weeks ago. She knew I would need it when the time came to say goodbye to Cole. The first thing I did when we got home after saying goodbye to Cole was to empty off our mantel and set up an altar honoring her. Thank you, Kate, this has been such a help and comfort to me. I'm not sure when it will come down, that will take time just as it's taken time for me to clear out her medication bottles on the counter, toss the remainder of her dog food, and pick up and launder the last pair of socks she'd pulled out to the living room.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this sorrow with your posts to this blog, your mention of Cole on your blog, your email messages and your phone calls. Hugs and kisses to you!!

{Bittersweet Release}

2008-04-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

We had to make the very difficult decision this morning to let Cole go. She took a turn for the worse last night, Kevin and I were up most of the night with her. At first we intended to take her to the vet to see what they could do for her but as the morning progressed it became clear that it was time for us to let her go, her body was worn out. While I'm glad that we let her go and freed her from the lymphoma, the hole in my heart feels immense.

I can't bring myself to move the most recent set of my socks she'd brought out to the dining room this past week...

Goodbye sweetie! Pa-loop-a-loop!

Artwork by Stephen Huneck

{Help!}

2008-04-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

We are on Day 2 of Cole's near refusal to eat. So far today all we've gotten down her is a 1/2 can of wet dog food. This is nothing compared to what she was snarfing down last week. We've tried everything from salmon to cottage cheese, apple sauce to baby food and anything else we can think of that she might find enticing. Mostly, she just sniffs the food and walks away.

Has anyone else out there experienced this? What did you do?

{Ice Cream Saturday}

2008-04-05T11:08:00.001-07:00

We haven't been able to get Cole to eat this morning. Nothing! No salmon, no couscous, no cottage cheese, no canned yummy dog food. So...we figure this is the day that she gets what will probably be her her last ever soft serve cone. (We used to occasionally take them to a drive-thru for a cone.)

Now she's hungry!

Can I have another, you know how

cute I am when I eat them?!

Believe it or not, she actually licks the cone in the beginning. Unlike her sister, Bridget, who seems to be racing to see home many "licks it takes to get to the center of her tootsie roll."

And we still can't get her to eat any breakfast. Maybe we ruined her appetite?!

{Cole, Cole, Cole!}

2008-04-02T06:45:00.000-07:00

Cole is doing much better today. Our vet did prescribe a pain medication for her. The first few days on it she was pretty groggy and moving reeeeeaaaaallllllllllyyyyy slowly. Monday and Tuesday mornings were tough. She would still whimper and not want to do anything. Now this morning she's almost back to her old self -- the propellor tail is back! This makes me so happy!!

Kevin and I have to remind ourselves that this is really a roller coaster ride we're on. Some days are good (like today), other days not good (Monday and yesterday). We often talk about how will we know when it's time to say goodbye. We don't want to keep her alive for our sake only. It brings up lots of discussions around quality of life and what's best for her. It's a day to day, moment to moment topic. We're often asking the question, "Is she happy?"

Some of you may be wondering how Bridget is handling all the extra attention Cole is getting (you know, we're taking a lot of photos, giving her all this special food. we're excited when she does little things like getting up in the morning...). Well I think this video pretty much sums up what Bridget is most likely feeling.

{Lazy Sunday}

2008-03-30T10:38:00.001-07:00

We are having a lazy Sunday at home today. It's snowing out and no one is moving too quickly. Cole and Bridget have settled into their beds and well into their first nap of the day. This morning was a tough one for Cole. She had a hard time getting up and wimpered a bit. We weren't sure if she could make it down the street for our morning jaunt. She did make it and the walk appears to have helped her loosen up her sore joints. She was very docile yesterday and today and doesn't move around any more than needed. Her throat is getting pretty thick from the tumors. I'm going to call our vet to see if he can do anything about her pain. She's such a happy dog that I'm worried she may be experiencing more pain than she's letting on to.

Kevin was vacuuming yesterday and put all the dog beds into a pile, out of the way. Bridget love it! She was just the like the Princess and the Pea.

{Feed Me!}

2008-03-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

It has been a hectic week at our household and it looks like it will only get busier from here on out. I am starting my graduate program on Wednesday, which promises lots of reading and homework. Luckily it is only one day a week for both courses, one after the other.

Cole is doing well overall. She's still wants to eat three meals a day, although she doesn't always clean her plate as she had done in the past. The photo above is her telling me that it's, "Time for lunch, thank you very much!" (Notice how talented she is holding her chew bone up with only one knuckle! Makes it easier for her to get back to chewing it.)

We are still making time each night to cuddle. She lays on her big fluffy bed while I sit next to her so that our bodies are touching. I'm grateful for these moments with her when we can have a bit of calm together.

We had a spring surprise yesterday with new snow. She and Bridget both love romping around the back yard, tracking any new scents through the snow. I always wonder if the know reminds her of the few years she lived in Minneapolis and could romp through the snow that was up to her belly!

It has been two months since Cole was diagnosed with lymphoma. At that time the vet told us we'd have one to two months left with her. She's outlived his expectations and we are grateful for that. Each night Kevin has started telling her that she doesn't have to worry or be afraid about what will happen when she dies. Grandma and Grandpa B will be there to meet her along with Uncle Patrick. He doesn't want her to be afraid. (I think it is we who are afraid of the huge hole we will each feel in our lives and in our hearts when she is gone.) But...for now we are going to keep up with the cuddles and enjoy every moment we can.

{Goofing Around}

2008-03-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

Cole and I were goofing around last night, trying to snap pictures of ourselves, as if we were in a photo booth. This is the best one. The other shot shows only her eye and ear and my chin -- not so good. We're both so happy!

Cole is doing well. She is continuing to eat really well. It's getting pretty hard for her to get up the stairs so Kevin and I are going to have to devise a plan for keeping her downstairs all the time. We're already doing that most of the time. It's just more difficult when there's only one of us at home and we have to be doing something upstairs. She's such a constant companion that we're worried she'll come up just to be with us (of course, we want that too, but not at the expense of her health).

Some days are better for her than others. On the good days I think, "Oh, she'll be with us for awhile." Then we hit a rough patch and then I think I'd better prepare myself for what's next. Then we have another good day... All of this is just an exercise in me trying to believe I have some control over a situation in which I have absolutely no control. Silly girl!

{I Chew Chew Chews You!}

2008-03-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

Cole loves to chew. When she was a puppy we had to train her to chew her toys instead of our hands. Aside from a dhurrie rug and a card Kevin had written to his mother when he was a child, she was pretty good at keeping her gnawing confined to her chew toys. But then those weren't always safe either. Her favorite first toy was a knobby bright pink ball. Each of knobs was painted a bright contrasting color. She was fine with it until she started biting off the colorful knobs. (We discovered she was doing this when we started seeing bright knobs in her poo!)

At that point we realized that what she (or maybe it was we) wanted was a toy she could chew enjoyably without destroying it. In an effort to find the indestructible toy, we bought her a rope like this:

She loved it! So much so that she managed to bite it in half in less than a minute! Ughhhh!

And then we discovered nylabones. To this day we keep at least four of them sprinkled throughout the house so that she can chew anytime she wants. Here she is tonight chewing on what is left of a nylabone.

{Savoring the Moment}

2008-03-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

A really good friend wrote me last night after reading yesterday's blog. She was sharing what it has been like for her to go down this journey with me by reading my blog regularly. I am so touched by her response and all the others I've received from family, friends, and complete strangers. It's given me such a sense of community in not going through this alone as well feeling honored that others are willing to share this process with me. I'm very sad that the beginnings of this process is also the beginning of the end of Cole's life. And yet I feel richer for having gone through the experience.

So many thoughts have struck me along the way. I've wondered why I've been able to love Cole so unconditionally since her diagnosis and now find humor in the things that used to frustrate me like her chewing up her favorite toy, bringing my socks out to the living room when she wanted attention, or having to run her out in my pajamas for a potty break in the middle of the night because she needed to go. Now I savor those moments. How many things in my daily life do I view as a nuisance because it interrupts my schedule or takes me off track? And instead I could view them as moments to savour and enjoy?

Cole has been doing the same today. She demanded I make her a lunch, which is a good sign. She wasn't interested in just wet food and couscous but... add a little chicken broth and make it into a porridge and she licked the bowl clean. I'm thinking there may be a cookbook in Kevin and my future, I think we'll title it, "Cookin' for Cole!"

Here she is chow-hounding on couscous (you may be able to see how it sticks in her jowles). We started putting a blue tray under her bowl -- the couscous flies everywhere (not that Bridget minds that when she comes in to do her clean up routine!)

{Tired Girlie}

2008-03-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

This past week was extremely busy, I haven't been able to get out here as often as I'd like. I've missed being able to do this...

We've noticed in the past few days that Cole is getting weaker and weaker. She doesn't like to sit for long at all (probably too hard on her arthritic hips) and lays down after standing for just a bit. On Saturday night she nearly took a tumble down the stairs. She ended up on her "knees" sliding down a few steps before she got her footing again. Kevin was with her and nearly had a heart attack as she tumbled ahead of him before he could get to her. He said she made it down to the landing and looked back at him like, "ok, where are we off to now?" She has such a strong and happy spirit! (We're keeping the baby gate closed at the stairs now so she can't go down them without one of us there.)

Feeding her has become an exercise in developing creative combinations of ground lamb, chicken chunks, rice, couscous, salmon and apples. If she doesn't feel like eating something, she doesn't, so we've started rotating the food combinations to give her variety. This morning she got a mixture of chicken, couscous and apples. The apples she didn't like so much so she'd just spit them out next to her bowl. We figure it's a good thing to just getting her to eat.

{An Old Cuddle Returns}

2008-03-14T17:28:00.003-07:00

This is Cole right after she's come to me for a quick cuddle. It's something she started doing a couple of years ago. The grey areas at the bottom of the picture are my thighs, she's pressing her head against my legs, just above my knees. When she did this I would bending over to rest my head on her back for a second, then I'd step my feet apart and she'd walk under me, between my legs as I'd pet her sides along the way. It was always a sweet moment for us.

That was until we took her to a Farmers' Market one weekend. Cole randomly picked a woman and proceeded to plow through her legs! I would have been pretty embarrassed just by that but...she was also on a leash, so you can imagine the tangled mess she made, let alone the stunned look on the woman's face. So, I quit letting her walk between my legs and eventually she stopped putting her head against me in that way. I hadn't thought about it much until a few weeks ago when she started putting her head against my legs again. I'm back to letting her walk under me as I pet her sides...sweet moments are more important than embarrassing episodes with strangers.

Cole has been feeling much better as we've gotten closer to the end of the week. The meds seem to be helping. We're starting her on a new medicine tomorrow which is supposed to help her even more. She was having a harder time getting up today from her bed. Could be the ugly rainy weather we're having here affecting her arthritis. She is in very good spirits. She is upstairs right now barking at Kevin saying, "feed me!" This is a very good sign.

{My Beautiful Girl}

2008-03-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

This has been a tough morning. I couldn't get Cole to eat hardly anything and I have to fight the panic that begins to rise up in me. I just want to tell her, "Eat, eat, you need to eat, otherwise you're going to just get sicker and sicker!" (All the while knowing the truth that she is getting worse, it's inevitable.) I tried chicken today, she liked the change in food but wouldn't eat much. I'm going to try again at lunch time.

And now, later this morning, Cole comes to lay beside to me as I sit on the sofa. She rests her head next to me so that I can pet her. It is our time to love one another. It is as Aristotle said, "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." There is an understanding, a love that passes between Cole and I in moments like this that I find hard to explain. It is as if she loves me so unconditionally and I am given the pure moment of being able to love her in the same way.

Another lesson comes to mind:

Love with your whole heart every chance you get.

{It's a Lazy Rainy Day}

2008-03-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

It's rainy and windy out today, a good day to stay in, rest your head on a fluffy pillow and nap, nap, nap.

{Three Course Dinner}

2008-03-09T20:08:00.001-07:00

In an effort to get Cole to eat ANYTHING, we've started laying out a spread of foods for her to choose from. On tonight' menu: ground lamp, brown rice, and softened lamb kibble. She went for the first two and wouldn't touch the last one. Here she is snarfing the rice:

And here is the clean up crew. Bridget gets to clean up the floor of all the rice bits that end up everywhere. Bridget is Felix to Cole's Oscar (from the Odd Couple TV show).

We are still having trouble with Cole's digestive track. The medication is helping somewhat, it will take a few days to fully see the results. The vet said it may be that the medication she's taking to slow down the lymphoma is beginning to hurt her colon. She still seems to be happy. She just came out with one of my socks, throwing it in the air. (If only I get her to toss it into the hamper!)

{Pa-loop-a-loop is back!}

2008-03-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

Morning is Cole's favorite time of the day. She's got her propeller tail going and is so happy we're all getting up. It's also her favorite time to give pa-loop-a-loop kisses. Kevin figured this out one morning with her as we were getting ready to head out the door for a walk. If he'd sit on the sofa, she would come up to him and wag her tail, then give him bunches of kisses. They made a sound like, "pa-loop-a-loop." He found that if he said, "pa-loop-a-loop" to her, she would bring on the kisses. She would do the same for me. Well, with everything going on with her health, she hasn't been so perky in the mornings and we haven't been able to get a pa-loop-a-loop out of her until this morning!! We were all so happy!! YEAH!! Pa-loop-a-loop is back!!

She is starting to get a bit more clumsy and is tripping over her front paws at times. We've just returned from the pharmacy with two more prescriptions to help with her tummy and a recent bout of diarrhea. She hasn't been wanting to eat very much lately. Since she's limited to a diet of lamb and brown rice Kevin went to the local meat butcher for ground lamb meat today. We're hoping that giving her the real thing rather than the dry kibble or wet canned food will entice her to eat more (fingers crossed).

{Kindred Spirit}

2008-03-07T06:40:00.001-08:00

I wanted to share with you a link to a wonderful blog that inspired me to start this one in honor of Cole. I originally ran across it when I was researching lymphoma on the internet (as we rushed to decide in two days how we were going to treat Cole). It is from a bachelor in England whose dog, Prince, had died after two months of chemotherapy. He was heartbroken. I was heartbroken for him. I am heartbroken for us. Much of his blog was about honoring the joyful time he had with Prince during those two months. It helped me to realize how important it is that I enjoy every single moment I have left with Cole.

What a gift this has been to honor those things that I love about Cole. Sometimes the memories of all her quirky little habits just wash over me and I'm filled with both joy and sadness. It's been important to me that I document them here.

Thank you, Graham, for sharing you heart-felt story and for inspiring ours!

{Watching TV}

2008-03-07T06:40:00.000-08:00

Here is Cole "watching TV." She's watching out the sliding glass doors that look out onto our back yard. Since she's on the second floor she can reign out over her dominion, on the ready to bark up a storm if a neighbor's cat or local squirrel dares to venture into our yard.

As you may be able to see, her nails are getting quite long. Cutting them has always been a two-person activity for us. One of has to hold her down while the other clips the nails. She may be a tough girl with the cats out back but she's a baby when it comes to getting her nails clipped. When we came home from the vet visit in which we found out she had lymphoma I told her that we would never ever cut her nails again. So, as a result, she's beginning to look a bit like a badger:

I'm not sure who's more relieved that we're not cutting her nails any more...her or us!

The lumps in her throat are getting bigger. She's still in pretty good spirits but we had to shorten our walk again this morning. Our pre-dawn walk is now down to just a short jaunt out and back (we used to go 2 miles every morning, she loved it). She doesn't seem to have the energy to do more even though she still looks forward to getting out.

{Lazzzzyyyyyy Day!}

2008-03-04T16:27:00.001-08:00

We've been back from the beach for two days and neither she nor I are moving too quickly on getting back to our normal schedule. It's been rainy here which means NAP DAY! for Cole. Today she's been a glue stick as well, needing to go everywhere I go. I don't mind this a bit with the exception of the bathroom and the laundry room. Both include small rooms and activities for which she is of no help at all.

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the life lessons she's taught me over the past 10 years:

Make time to play every day.

Take a nap when you're tired.

Always ask for a cuddle when you need it.

Ggggrrrrrowl when you're angry, then get over it.

Drink lots of water.

Always be happy and joyful when your loved ones come home.

Always sniff your food before taking a bite.

More to come as I think of them...

{Happy Day!}

2008-03-02T08:25:00.000-08:00

We had a really great Saturday (yesterday) on and off the beach. It could be because the girlies got to drink right out of their very own water bottle (it was rainy and windy during our morning walk):

It could be because Cole and Daddy got to nap together on the floor after our morning walk.

It could be because it we had a beautiful afternoon walk in the shiny, wet sand. We found lots and lots of sand dollars.

It could be because we saw a beautiful sunset during our evening walk.

I was worried about Cole after the tough Friday we'd had with her. She just couldn't seem to get enough to eat. And she didn't want to cuddle very much. She'd bark at us every so often with her weakened bark -- we weren't sure what to do for her. And then Saturday was a completely different day. She seemed much more content and wanted to cuddle lots more. It was making me sad to think that as we get closer to the end she may not want to cuddle as much. I'm still having a tough time letting her go. It's a little bit like watching the tide slowly roll out. It feels like Cole is on a boat slowly washing away from us with the tide.

Here's Cole having a quiet moment this morning.

She and Kevin are sharing a cuddle after breakfast.

Ok, I gotta cuddle!

{Windy Day}

2008-02-29T21:27:00.000-08:00

We were only able to walk on the beach this morning. It was super windy and blew in a rain storm just before lunch. Here the wind is whipping around Cole's ear and tail.

Bridget braces herself as she looks into the wind. Her fur was a flyin'!

Isn't this amazing! This must have been washed up during a big storm earlier this winter (there are no tall trees like this near the beach here).

We spent the afternoon sitting by the fire together and napped part of the afternoon away. It was a great and lazy day!

We are beginning to suspect that Cole is actually a Hobbit as she has started demanding breakfast, then second breakfast, lunch, then second lunch, supper, then second supper. The vet said we should worry about her losing her appetite -- no worries there! A second characteristic that convinces us that she is a hobbit: she, too, has hairy feet!!

[We Are Here!}

2008-02-28T19:52:00.001-08:00

We made it to the beach just before sunset. It was gorgeous. The ocean was roaring in!

Here's Kevin and the girlies on our what we hope will the first of many beach walks over the next few days.

Here I am in the condo "plugging" into the internet. Cole and Bridget are exhausted and napping before dinner.

Cole is doing pretty good. Her bark is getting weaker but she remains in really good spirits. We had to increase her antibiotics yesterday because the irritable bowel disease has been flaring up a bit. She hardly coughed at all today. We're taking that as a good sign. I talked to the vet yesterday morning and he said she's doing really well considering her condition.

{Smarty Pants}

2008-02-28T08:13:00.000-08:00

Cole has always been a really smart dog. We taught her to wait at the top of the stairs while we went down first when we were working with her on dominance issues. (Bridget was taught this, too.) We don't always enforce having them wait for us to go first now. But, Cole will still wait at the top of the stairs waiting for us to give her the go-ahead. Meanwhile, Bridget is already downstairs!

Here she is, waiting for the go-ahead to come down.

We are heading to the ocean today. I'm not sure if I'll be able to post from there, we'll see. We'll have pictures next week for sure!!

{Favorite Things}

2008-02-27T16:16:00.000-08:00

I was putting something in our front closet this afternoon and ran across one of Cole's favorite toys. It's called a Wiggly Giggly. She plays with it by pushing it around and flipping it about. When she flips it, it makes a sound like a giggling baby. She loves it! We used to restrict how much she could play with it for two reasons: 1) Bridget is afraid of it -- she shakes when it makes a noise, and 2) Cole will play with it for awhile and then sit down and start chomping on it. We didn't want to her to totally destroy it so we'd put it away and only let her play it with when we were around. I don't think we'd taken it out for her for a couple of years. I'd completely forgotten it was in the back of the closet.

How many things to do we save rather than enjoy them right now? At this point, I could care less if she ripped it to shreds, at least she'd have the chance to fully enjoy it.

Here's Cole next to her Wiggly Giggly. She'd just been playing with it and was exhausted. She could only play it with it for a bit before she was too pooped out.

Then...I remembered that she also has an OUTSIDE Wiggly Giggly! So we took it out with us on our outside afternoon play time. She loved it. And Bridget, well, you can see for yourself her reaction to it (she's also wondering what I've brought out for her to play with).

So...what do you have in the back of your closet that you've been saving for later? Dig it out and enjoy it, I plan to!!

{Happy Girl}

2008-02-25T07:06:00.001-08:00

Kevin got this photo of Cole yesterday morning. She's either yawning, panting, or about ready to break out in song.

Cole and I cuddled for a bit on the living room floor yesterday. She loves resting her big head on my hand, she's so goofy.

Update on her health: for some reason she has become an extremely hungry dog. She couldn't seem to get to eat enough yesterday. We're having to balance keeping her happy and full with not letting her gain too much weight so that she can get around comfortably. We are seeing a decrease in activity. Her bark just isn't as strong as it used to be, it's a little quieter now. We've started keeping her downstairs more so that she doesn't have to do the stairs since she was having a harder time getting up them this weekend.

We watched the Oscars together last night. Both Cole and Bridget were sadly disappointed that there were no dogs in the leading actor/actress categories.

{Cole-n-Mommy}

2008-02-24T09:21:00.000-08:00

I've recently realized that we don't have very many pictures of Cole and I together. I tend to be the one behind the camera so we have pictures of Kevin and Cole. So, we took a little time out yesterday to take some pics together. Here's my favorite:

{Hurl-A-Squirrel}

2008-02-22T16:14:00.000-08:00

This is a Hurl-A-Squirrel.

It is Cole's favorite outside toy.

(Honest ... I did not set this shot up!)

Bye, bye Hurl-A-Squirrel! We hope to see you again!

What does Cole do next?

#1: First you must roll over the toy so that it knows you own it.

#2: After you've had Mommy throw it for you a few times,

then you go to the farthest corner of the back yard

and start ripping the daylights out of it.

#3: If you're lucky you hit pay dirt and can start

tearing the stuffing out of it.

Then mommy takes it away.

Poor Hurl-A-Squirrel!

What is her sister, Bridget, up to?

The blur on the left is Bridget as she chases

and chases the yellow tennis balls.

That is after she gives Mommy the "what for,"

demanding that she throw the ball right now.

And that ends our backyard adventure on a sunny Seattle spring day. We are off to the beach in six days. YEAH!!!

A note on Cole's health: she is still in good spirits, she pants a lot now, and is breathing harder after she comes up the steps. She's still eating a lot which is a really good sign.

{Semi-Casual Cole}

2008-02-21T07:17:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of Cole when she was just a year or two old. She hadn't fully grown into her paws yet. We were living in Minneapolis at the time. She's also sporting her semi-casual look (one ear back). Whenever she's got both ears back, we call it her casual look.

{ESL}

2008-02-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

We often joke that the ESL classes we sent Cole to haven't paid off. She still can't enunciate. Here's a video clip example of that. It's Kevin's first time at using our digital camera as a video camera and my first time at the video editing software so don't expect much. See, Cole, your lymphoma is bringing daddy and mommy into the 21st century!

{Sunday in the Park with Cole-n-Bridget}

2008-02-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

We went to our favorite off-leash park today. We weren't sure how Cole would do with all the activity. She was great. She doesn't run around as much as she used to but she and Bridget both had a blast.

Two tuckered out girls on the way home.

Update on Cole's health: she is doing really well. Other than an occasional cough, she's pretty much her old self. She is having a little bit tougher time getting up the stairs, but we just cheer her on as she meanders up and that seems to help.

{Cole's Favorite CD}

2008-02-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

As you may know, Cole is afraid of the rain. I think it's because we've had a few thunder storms in the past several years (which is unusual for Seattle). It rains when there's thunder and the thunder reminds her of the earthquake that hit this area back in 2001. She was pretty freaked out by that so now she associates rain with earthquakes. If you're lost, here's the association again: rain and thunder go together, thunder sounds like earthquake, Cole hates earthquakes (don't we all), so Cole hates rain. Well, needless to say, there's many a night in Seattle when we go to bed to the sound of rain hitting the windows. Not a good thing in Cole's book, she starts pacing when she hears it. So in a last ditch effort to calm her down I started playing this meditation CD. It worked! She calmed down. Now every time she starts pacing at night we put on the CD and she usually lays right down, maybe she's meditating, who knows!

But...if you add wind to the mix, forget it. Either Kevin or I end up sleeping downstairs in the family room in order for any of us to get any sleep. Yes, she's a freak!! And yes, we do spoil her! But we love her and luckily there aren't many windy nights here.

{Happy Valentines Day!}

2008-02-14T09:02:00.000-08:00

Kevin is traveling this week so the girls wanted to send him a special message:

We love you! Wish you were here!!!!

{This moment.}

2008-02-13T20:50:00.000-08:00

As the girls and I were walking this afternoon I began think about what it will be like for Cole at the end of her life. And wondered, am I prepared for that? She has been such a huge presence my life and I can feel my heart breaking as I think about the huge void I will feel when she's gone. And then I realized, she's still here! Why am I wasting the time I have with her now thinking about the future? This time with her is such a huge gift in reminding me to live in the moment and to enjoy it fully and consciously.

{Teaching Cole to "Shake"}

2008-02-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago Kevin and I taught Cole how to "shake". Not because we like to turn our dogs into trick ponies (because we don't) but because Bridget came to our home knowing how to and we didn't want her to have a leg up (or should I say, paw up) on Cole. It took quite a few months for her to get it. I'm sure she wondered, "Why in the world do you want me to put your paw in my hand. Oh...you'll give me a treat if I do it?" And once she got it she started using her paws not just to shake but to ask for things. Here she is trying to cut in on the fun mommy and Bridget are having without her.

To do this day when we ask her to shake, she kind of pauses, probably thinking that we're crazy but ok, here it is! And of course, she's totally confused when we come in from the rain (which is quite often in Seattle) and ask her to shake, as in shake all that extra water off before we wipe you down, sweetie!

{Popcorn Paws}

2008-02-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

Ever since Cole was a pup I've thought that her paws (especially when she wakes up from a nap) smell like popcorn. I love that popcorn smell! Maybe that's smelly feet in dogs, who knows. Who cares! She always has that just woken up look at the same time and is usually looking for a big cuddle. One of Kevin's co-workers always talked about her chocolate lab's paws that smelled like corn chips. So, I'm not the only one!

Here's to a Sunday of popcorn paws and cuddling!

{Big Head Dog and the Monster}

2008-02-08T15:32:00.000-08:00

Cole has always had a big head. Everyone says so when they visit our house. This past December we were trying to shoot pictures of Cole & Bridget for the holiday card when we got this "head shot". Really, in proportion to her body, her head isn't that big. More to love.

Kevin's sister, Denise, was here for Christmas. She and Kevin came up with the name, Big Head Dog and the Monster (in honor of the rock group, Big Head Todd and the Monsters). Poor Bridgie, she has to be the monster.

{The blog begins.}

2008-02-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

I'm starting this blog today because I want to commemorate our last days with our black lab, Cole, who was diagnosed this past Monday with lymphoma. My husband and I were devastated and wrestled with the decision for treatment. We've decided to make her as comfortable as possible without chemotherapy. The vet tells us this means we have 1 to 2 months at most with her. Now we view each day with her as a gift that we are going to enjoy to it's fullest. This blog will be a way for me to document out last days together as a celebration of all the joy she's brought to our lives.

This little blanket-sucking darling is Cole's younger sister, Bridget. We don't want to forget her in the process. She doesn't know it yet, but she's going to miss her sister terrible at some point down the road as well.

I love you girlies!!!